If you’ve spent pretty much any time on the Internet, chances are you’ve probably come across blogs and Youtube videos about self-improvement.
These subcultures in the Internet talk about self-improvement as if it were a separate category all on its own. They talk about “giving” and “doing” self-improvement like it was a pill that you can take to feel better about your crappy situation in life.
Your girlfriend just dumped you? Try self-improvement.
Oh damn you lost your job? Here, this self-improvement book outta help you.
You feel lost in life? Watch this 30 minute video on self-improvement.
When we box in self-improvement this way, we end up limiting ourselves rather than becoming better people.
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Self-improvement can actually do more harm than good to us
That’s not to say these self-improvement materials are a bad thing. After all, who doesn’t want to get better? Warren Buffett once said that “the most important investment you can make is in yourself.” There are self-improvement books and videos out there that can actually make a difference in our lives.
What is destructive, however, is that these communities seem to sell this idea of self-improvement as the answer to all of your struggles.
They tell you to do this and avoid that so that more people can respect you. They show you how to get a perfect body that’ll be the envy of everyone. Ultimately, they sell you this dream that you can be happy once you accomplish that one goal.
What ends up happening is far from this rosy picture that self-improvement gurus sell you. You end up extracting value from that one goal. Once you achieve it, you find another personal problem that bothers you and you’re on the quest to fix it. This often leads you down on a never ending spiral because of your obsession to become “happy”. You quickly realize that your dissatisfaction with yourself comes from a deeply-rooted insecurity in your life.
Why CEOs don’t care about self-improvement
For many of us, self-improvement becomes a kind of pill that’s supposed to make us “happy”.
If you look at some of the most successful people in the world, they didn’t get to where they are by being obsessed with self-improvement. Rather, they got there by working really hard.
In other words, they had a vision of something that was greater than themselves that it naturally pushed them to improve themselves.
Steve Jobs never stopped to wonder if wearing black turtlenecks everyday would make him feel happier. Instead, he wore them because he wanted to focus solely on Apple and not get distracted about tedious things like what to wear. In the same vein, Tim Cook works out everyday not so he can win an award for The Most Athletic CEO in The World, but to keep up with the physical and mental toll of his job.
CEO’s secret to personal growth
If you look at these types of people, you’ll realize that they didn’t become successful because they believed in some abstract notion of being happy. Far from it. If wearing the right clothes or exercising made them happy, it’s because doing those things helped them towards their vision.
The key to successful personal growth therefore is to have a vision for your life, and to find activities that get you towards that vision.
What people get wrong about self-improvement
Most people know that they want to improve their lives. What’s ironic is that you spend more time diving into books about, say, socializing, rather than doing the actual thing.
Instead of going out on Friday nights and hitting up friends, you stay home and read books like How To Win Friends And Influence People. You highlight important passages and study examples of human interactions like an alien reading a manual about human beings.
I’m not trying to criticize the book. I think it’s a fantastic book with a lot of useful advice. But the whole point of advice is to actually use them. So instead of learning how to socially interact with people, you should go out there and just do it.
Experience is better than reading about self-development
When you view self-improvement like an antidote that you can take, it can destroy you in several things. First, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out people and their intentions. You can end up in a never-ending rabbit hole of thoughts just by wondering what a person is like or what he or she is thinking. There are no books or videos on self-improvement that’ll give you the perfect answer about people, especially when it comes to socializing. For example, you can think, guess and gather empirical data about a girl all you want, but you’ll never truly know that person unless you engage in a conversation with her first.
Second, viewing self-improvement like an antidote robs you of experiencing life. Sure, there are people who can learn more from books than from experiences. I’m not saying that books aren’t helpful, but there are also many benefits that experience alone can bring. It’s the difference between reading about Rome and actually visiting the city. You can tell me that Rome was founded in 753 BC and that it’s an important European city, but can you describe what the old markets smell like? What true Neapolitan pizza tastes like? Can you explain what it’s like standing under the scorching mediterranean sun among thousands of people just to hear the Pope speak? There are so many things that only experience can teach us that books and gurus can’t.
Personal growth comes from sharpening your tools
When you practice self-improvement in limited ways, you’re essentially sharpening your sword to use as a mantelpiece at home. It can be the sharpest, shiniest object in the whole neighborhood, but if you never use it, then what’s the point?
Life’s full of demons and dragons, and the only way to grow is to slay them.
Many successful people started out with nothing but a dull sword. Through perseverance and determination, they managed to overcome their struggles and in the process sharpened their dull sword into a formidable weapon.
As Tony Robbins once said: “Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is only potential power. Action is power. “
It’s your turn now. Put down your personal growth book and go try things. Make mistakes and get bruises. And sharpen your sword along the way.
Originally published at http://peekingbuddha.com on October 2, 2020.
